Situationships
*bites lip* So. . . what are we?
You’re probably gonna hate me for this but I looove a good situationship. Nothing resets your brain faster than the embarrassment of being in a what-are-we situation with someone who most likely already knows what’s going on, and is just waiting for you to come up to speed. Nothing tastes as sweet, too.
Look, an actual committed relationship comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to be prepared for many “babe, listen” conversations, and you have to explain why your male friend who once expressed romantic feelings for you likes calling at odd hours of the night. But in a situationship (a decent one o — not that bondage thing some of you are doing) that responsibility does not exist. Instead, you guys have a great time when you’re together, they make you feel like the only gal or guy in the world for five hours, the laughter is sweet and the sex is sweeter, and when you leave, you leave single, with your peace of mind intact. What’s not to love about it?
Later defines a Situationship as “a romantic or intimate relationship that lacks clear definitions or commitments typically associated with traditional romantic relationships, falling somewhere between a friendship and a committed partnership.” In the olden days, our parents only had to see a movie together or visit their family compound with tubers of yam and kola nut to solidify a romantic relationship, but these days, it takes a lot more to indicate interest and commitment.
The reasons for this vary.
For one, our attitude towards marriage has changed. Statistics show that less and less people want to get married. There are many reasons for this: marital trauma, economic uncertainty, reduction of steeze, etc. but the implications are that many twenty-somethings are falling in love without lifelong commitment in mind, which increases the occurrence of these situationships. I don’t blame us. Who would be thinking about marriage when we can barely feed ourselves? People also have a harder time committing to one person, and globalization might share in the blame. The access we have to more people has created an illusion of choice that plagues us constantly so that nobody wants to “settle.” Why pick one when you can have five?
To our credit, situationships don’t always happen intentionally. Most people don’t wake up thinking “Oh, I would like to be in a situationship with this person.”
Rather, it usually happens like this. Let me paint a pretty picture:
One day, you meet a person. You guys click, so you talk for hours. You discuss your dog, Kevin, who died last year, and they tell you about the one time a dog bit them in boarding school while they were trying to jump a fence. You talk about your siblings, your dislike for chocolate cake, and their affection for indie bands with the most interesting names. It’s the first time in a while you’ve felt that connected to a person.
They don’t warn you about how easy falling in love can be, even when it’s not your first time. You’ve been here before, so why do you feel like a total and complete amateur whenever their name lights up your phone? A week after you start talking, they pick you up to run a couple of errands and although it’s not a date-date, it feels like the most wonderful adventure because trips as simple as buying groceries can mean everything when done with the right person. As you enter the car, they lean over to wear your seatbelt for you, and your breath catches in your throat at the casualness of the act. “What?” They smile, passing you a bottle of Berry Blast. This surprises you, too; how they remember details in passing about the things you like. Nothing, you shake your head, and from your periphery, you see their eyes light up as you connect to the car’s Bluetooth and scroll through Spotify to select Ototo by Asake.
Everything is nice. Sitting together and listening to music is nice. Debating on which bottle of wine to buy the night you decide to stay over is delightful. Laughing all the way back from the mall as you tease each other over the things people who like each other tease each other about is a great feeling. And sitting so close you can hear your hearts beating as the movie you selected becomes indistinguishable from every other movie you’ve EVER seen and all you can think of is the maddening sliver of space between their hands and your thighs is the tastiest feeling in the world.
When they eventually lean in, you see stars.
You fall into the routine of each other. Phone calls, car conversations, and sleepovers. “Wait are you with your babe?” A friend of theirs asks one day over the phone and they look at you and smile. It makes you giddy. Attending events together, saying hi to their family over the phone, helping them write applications, et al. It’s all SO NICE.
But “nice” is not enough, and you discover this soon enough when a question hatches in your throat, and you do everything you can to kill it, but it does not die. You tell yourself it’s too soon, and you’re just taking things slow, and getting to know each other, but the question is a hungry thing — it grows wings and flutters and eventually bangs violently against your throat until you sputter it out the first time you have an argument.
It’s a foolish thing. They don’t text all day, and when they eventually do, their words are so noncommittal and distant that it has you grasping at straws. It wouldn’t have happened if they had replied to your good morning text and viewed the twenty TikToks you sent but they didn’t, and that’s how you find yourself looking like an eediot.
“What are we doing?” You spit out.
“What do you mean?” They reply.
“Like—this thing between us, where is it headed? Are we dating?”
You hate the long pause between your question and their response. But beyond their silence, you hate how you should have seen it coming all along.
“Don’t worry.” You say, before you cut the call. It’s been three months of talking for hours every day. You even have a spare key to their apartment. But making your relationship a concrete thing of its own is where they draw the line.
The end.
I lied. It’s not a very pretty picture, is it? Well, Situationships can be pretty damning if you don’t have the capacity for them. Unlike committed relationships that give you the honour of righteous indignation, situationships might leave you feeling a little silly, because really, did they promise you anything? No!
So how do you navigate them? How do you decide if you should even be in one in the first place? And how do you leave one that’s hurting you?
Here’s a quick quick guide for you. Please note that human beings are fairly complex so use your wisdom when applying tips you get from people on the internet.
Let’s delve in!
Know what you’re there for: Is it the vibes? The passionate make-out sessions? Do you like what their eyes look like when they talk about their interests? Do you simply enjoy spending time with them? Don’t lose guard o. Know why you’re there and hold onto it.
Set boundaries: If you don’t want a situationship, then you must be clear about your intentions from the start. Tell them: “We’re either friends or lovers” and stand on business. There’s no hard or fast rule for this, but being open and honest about your expectations, and having the wisdom to walk away when they aren’t being met will benefit you.
If you want a situationship (for whatever reason) you need to find an ick and hold onto it: I know this is a little unconventional but it works! It can be anything, as long as it makes you pause before typing “I love you” by 2 am on a Friday night while out, piss drunk, with your friends.
If you like them TOO much, then you must DO something: Emotional games can be really exhausting, and situationships are full of them. Don’t get sick trying to figure out what to do about your feelings: confess them or leave. From experience, the feelings come out one way or the other, so sharing them with dignity is the way to go. If they won’t be reciprocated and you can’t deal with that, you must pack your bags and disappear!
If you think they are ghosting you, they probably are: No, they’re not busy, their grandma is alive and well, and there’s nothing wrong with their phone. They just don’t like you that much and that’s it.
If you are confused about how they feel about you, they probably don’t like you that much. Please refer to number 5.
Whatever you do, don’t ask: “What are we?”: You either come correct, stating exactly what you want (I want a relationship), leave things exactly as they are, or pack your bags and go! Asking “what are we” is not only embarrassing, but also redundant because you know what’s going on, you just haven’t come to terms with it yet.
Don’t do too much: Know your place. You’re in a situationship. You’re not their girlfriend or boyfriend. You don’t have to cook, clean their house, or do their homework. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a decent person and care for them, but don’t confuse yourself in the process. Also, have some shame, please.
If you intentionally get into situationships because you don’t have the capacity for committed relationships (for whatever reasons), that’s okay. Relationships are full-time projects that require love, effort, and lots of attention, and not everybody has the bandwidth for them. Just be honest with the parties you’re involved with. Tell them why you’re there and what you want from them. Explain how much you’re willing to give. Communicate properly, and keep them updated on your feelings regarding the situationship and how they evolve with time. This shows decency and respect for their person and this way, it is possible to end a situationship and retain a good friend!
Finally, please don’t do situationships if you’re romantic and fainthearted. Fall in love like a normal human being and leave all this rogbodiyan for the mad people, like me. You deserve soft soft love, and you will get it if you believe it.
I am rooting for you always,
Tres.
Media I consumed this Week:
Watched: I watched the Ultimatum: South Africa and LMAOOOOOOO. I LOVE REALITY TV, MAN. The premise is stupid, everybody is soooo stupid, and it’s great.
Listened: I honestly can’t remember what I’ve been listening to these days. There’s nothing new, just same old. I would like it if you comment with a link to a spotify playlist you want me to check out. I need to feel alive again. Oh, I love the Cocteau Twins, by the way. Left a song or two on the 20 Something playlist.
Read: I tried to give Beautiful World Where Are You by Sally Rooney another try and I have given up, it’s not for me. So please give me book recommendations that are life-changing and a little damning. Give me something that will pulse electric in my veins.
May was a lot, but I had a great time. I hope you did too, and I hope June will be a fantastic month for you!
This should be a Masters degree Thesis tbh😂. Thank you for the ammunition.I think it's time to get into my next situationship🤭
Tres really said “be mindful of why you were invited to the situationship”😭😭
But fr, know the capacity of heartbreak you can take. Situationships can be ridiculous.