I hate that I'm not good with words enough to be able to express just how much your writing means to me and how much your previous post "Why you should tell your story" inspired me to be on here, on substack. Writing is something that has always being a part of me. I wish it came to me as easy as breathing but I've always felt like I'll never be a good enough writer because I don't have all the fancy words to describe my thoughts. They always somehow end up coming out jumbled up. I'll save that story for later. I guess I just want to express my gratitude towards you, Your words touched a part of my heart I thought I had closed off.
As someone who lives in her head, wondering, always wondering, and never asking even when I feel this... this maddening need to know for fear... of being what?? Ignored? Shot down? Or maybe not hearing what I want to hear. I grieve all the words that died at the tip of my tongue as well as those that never made it to my tongue.
salma, this was beautifully put. you express yourself really well - which is ironic given the substance of your comment. i don't think there is a way to measure who a good enough writer is. but if there were, i would say it's one who intentionally writes and who writes from their heart.
you're welcome, thank you for expressing how you feel about my work. trust yourself more, i'm rooting for you.
Yes, yes, to be loved is to be known, and to know is to be curious. How will you know they like pancakes if you never ask about their childhood and how will you know they adore Toothless and Hiccup?
But you wonder what you would do with all that information if you met an unfortunate end. Remembering, stronger than lover's love is lover's hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make. I guess to feel deeply is to carry the weight of a devastating end while hoping it never comes.
(asking you instead of googling myself is a form of love - too)
i have definitely faced the terrors you have spoken of, but i also think the joy is worth the trade-off. i am okay crying, knowing that i laughed first.
Treasure!!!! Oh my. I agree that a lot of us are lonely because we don't feel close enough to the friends that we already have, especially if they're relatively new (like college friends as opposed to childhood or high school friends). I've always gauged how much a person liked me, romantic or otherwise, by how curious they were about my life and person. It is such a life hack. And I do believe that the vacuum a lot of us are feeling, that cavernous emptiness in our chest, that yearning for camaraderie and togetherness , can only be filled if we allow ourselves be completely curious and vulnerable to the people we love. Only then can we unlock the intimacy we so desperately desire. Thank you writing this. It was...sublime, as always. p.s: I also really loved watching "The Trunk"!
I love hearing your thoughts on things, always. Thank you so much for reading, Blessing! Need to finish the show, tbh. I haven't watched it in a couple of days.
I like to talk. Maybe too much but I will always create conversation with my friends about the most trivial things. Not because I have nothing else to do but because I am curious as to why they are who they are. It always baffles me when people say they can’t have certain conversations with their close friends because they are scared of being judged or questioned for their decisions.
My friends are the only people I want to be judged by, they are the people I want to be able to call me to order when I do something out of character and if we don’t talk about these things, how will they know to call me back when I stray?
And this isn’t one sided, talking to my friends and listening to them tell me things is one of my favorite pastimes. I have a lot to say about the state of friendships rn because I can never understand some things. If you leave me, I’ll write an entire essay in your comment section 😂
i love this comment so much, tosin. especially the second paragraph. yes, judge me! tell me what i need to hear. be my jury. that's why this space is for you.
i think i can never get tired of speaking about friendship and what it means to me, so i can definitely relate!
This are the two words I can muster after reading this. The accuracy and the wisdom in this.
You got me with cool people line because it's so true.
I remember when I went home last year was coming back from the church with the family, we stopped at the market. Then a man was passing with his bike. He greeted a woman who was walking with her daughter, and the woman asks why his wife wasn't on the bike with him. He replies but then I thought "what was her business" which the woman's daughter did well to voice out.
My mum thought the daughter was rude but I mentioned my support. All she could say was "Your generation, all of you are the same".
Your piece made me remember that and think maybe we aren't minding our business. Maybe we aren't showing concern and that's a terrible thing.
Yeah, I think we find it hard, drawing a balance between being polite, and not caring at all. We can learn, but it would require more exhibition of consciousness. Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
Your work encapsulates the frustrations I have been feeling towards my friendships. I wouldn’t say that people have been apathetic per se, but I think there has been complacency in modern friendships. From what I’ve observed in my own friendships, once you have implied/mutually agreed on that you are friends, the getting to know phase feels like it has ended, and the honeymoon-like curiosity expressed diminishes. This is not to say that you have to talk to them everyday, but the thought of them wondering how I am is enough to make my heart swell—and many fail to appreciate and engage in that action.
I also believe that there is an appropriate time and place, and there are some questions that are better reserved for another time. Personally, I assume that when people ask more private questions, they mean it without malice, so I have no problem with simply saying, “I don’t want to talk about it now. I’ll tell you about it someday.” The conversation is redirected without either party feeling too awkward about the question.
Maturity develops when you realise that you will need to learn how, with a sensitivity, to ask the hard questions and be gracious when you are “rejected”, meaning, your question is unwelcome at that moment. It’s a matter of trial and error, and I think many hesitate to simply try.
i find it very amusing because the problem you presented is allowed to be a very big deal in romantic relationships. we see visions of it in films and books, all the time. how the guy chases the girl until he gets her, and then it becomes business-casual which leads to the relationship deteriorating until there's a huge argument where it all comes to the light.
i don't think there are enough models of this problem in friendships. in movies, your friends are always meant to understand. you can be rude, and mean, and absent-minded, but in the last twenty minutes have a change of heart that leads to them accepting you back to join the table and grab a bite, or play again in the band, etc.
so in real life, when this kind of problem is presented, it sometimes feels foreign, and people shift the weight of the issue from foot to foot because they don't know what to do with it. they may accuse you of overthinking or might tease you for liking them too much. either way, it's not taken seriously enough.
my solution? befriending people who, like me, want to uphold the sanctitude of friendship. who believe it's just as important as romantic relationships, and are willing to keep the spark alive as often as possible. or at least to try.
i listened to this conversation by simon sinek and trevor noah and it explored the challenges of modern friendships in a very worthy manner [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNBxIhxHHxM]
also, i 100% agree with everything else said! can't dive in because my comment is getting too long, but thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts on this article. i enjoyed reading through.
I notice when I like a person, I ask them a bunch of questions. I’m quite inquisitive and sometimes it could be confused for intrusion. Lol maybe sometimes it is, don’t know really but I do agree that curiosity is a form of love
I can relate to the fear of asking the right or wrong questions. I've been interviewing some elderly members of the Church for a volunteering project and I noticed I held back in so many questions, not out of shyness but out of respect - I mean, these are priests and missionaries who aren't used to talk about themselves and might be quite reserved (and I'm far of being a professional interviewer) so I was very cautious. But when I watched some of the footage, even if I wasn't on screen, you could tell I was holding back, as if I was waiting for them to cross the distance between us.
At first I assumed I just wasn't good at interviewing, that some people just know "by nature" when to dig deep or are easier to open up to. But after some thought, I realized maybe it was me who refused to be vulnerable in front of them, asking from pure, unadulterated curiosity instead of trying to look experienced. The more I started opening up to them, even in my occasional clumsiness, I found so many precious, human moments in these conversations.
Even if these interviews are finite, I think they also qualify as human relationships, as they are filled with tenderness and vulnerability. Love can be shown even briefly, I guess.
I love this so much, Ana! It goes to prove that we are mirrors and the openness and love we give out would usually come back to us. A wonderful case study. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
The number of 'this is so true' that I said while reading this ehn. 😅
For me, curiousity is a solid marker of love and affection for me. One of the first signs of my interest in or developing affection for someone is my curiosity about them. I want to know what makes you you, where you're coming from, what makes you tick, what brings the sparkle to your eyes, all of it. And naturally, showing me yours makes me want to show you mine. I don't regard myself as close to people that I don't know much about no matter how long I've known them.
However, sometimes, out of consideration and respect, I take a step back when it feels like I might be intruding. Then I feel like there's some distance between us, but being me, I still address it with them and close that distance. I guess it's all about striking a balance, being close but still leaving them enough space to be and breathe. But I'll always wear my heart on my sleeves for the people I love (and they better put theirs on for me as well). For me, there's no other way to love.
I really should get to watching The Trunk especially because Seo Hyun Jin is a faveeee. Also, I would not be starting WTPR until all the episodes are out (I don't want to deal with all that waiting). End of the year glory? I beg to differ, please 😅. I think that many good dramas were released this year.
Okay, I should stop here. It's always good to read from you. Thank you.
Striking a balance is exactly what it is - relationships are oftentimes like a dance. A sway of some sorts. If you're the only one twirling, without getting caught then you will get dizzy and that's not good.
I love Seo Hyun Jin too. I think this is my first time seeing her act but I am completely enthralled. What other dramas did you like from this year? I'm serious, these are the only two I remember liking.
This is a bit late, but,here goes nothing. I loved Death's Game (dark theme, but essential, especially for Koreans, who live in a society where suicide is regarded as the very first solution to a lot of problems that time can solve. Also, a masterclass in storytelling and plotting), Lovely Runner had the right amount of cuteness and sweetness without any of the cringe that usually accompanies them, My Dearest (2023 drama, but I saw it in 2024) was so good (but it might not be for you if you don't like period pieces. Even if you don't, I think you should still give it a try), Marry My Husband (if you like drama that's really dramatic - revenge, time travel, romance - I enjoyed it as well), Mr Plankton came at the end of the year, but I liked it. The entire show was a big ball of comedy rolling down a tragic hill (in a way, it reminded me of A Man Called Ove because the protagonist's death - as much as I loved him - didn't exactly cause me pain, just made me think 'Oh well, he's onto the next adventure' I laughed a lot and I think you will, too)...Okay, I should stop here. Those are the ones I remember off the top of my head. Bonus Seo Hyun Jin drama (The Beauty Inside, 2018 drama, but I like it). Happy new year, Treasure.
cynthia, you're very welcome. thank you so much for reading! the trunk is spectacular. i like how intentionally it presents relationships as a space to heal, and become better versions of ourselves. what a love, what a life.
Curiosity, when applied in the context of loving someone, is the desire to know them more deeply and intimately. To know is to love, to ask is to know, and to ask is an act of curiosity. A yearning for more fragments of your favorite stained glass, each shard catching the light in a way only love can see.
I hate that I'm not good with words enough to be able to express just how much your writing means to me and how much your previous post "Why you should tell your story" inspired me to be on here, on substack. Writing is something that has always being a part of me. I wish it came to me as easy as breathing but I've always felt like I'll never be a good enough writer because I don't have all the fancy words to describe my thoughts. They always somehow end up coming out jumbled up. I'll save that story for later. I guess I just want to express my gratitude towards you, Your words touched a part of my heart I thought I had closed off.
As someone who lives in her head, wondering, always wondering, and never asking even when I feel this... this maddening need to know for fear... of being what?? Ignored? Shot down? Or maybe not hearing what I want to hear. I grieve all the words that died at the tip of my tongue as well as those that never made it to my tongue.
salma, this was beautifully put. you express yourself really well - which is ironic given the substance of your comment. i don't think there is a way to measure who a good enough writer is. but if there were, i would say it's one who intentionally writes and who writes from their heart.
you're welcome, thank you for expressing how you feel about my work. trust yourself more, i'm rooting for you.
Omg I relate to you’re comment SO MUCH!! hope you’re gonna start writing soon I’ll make sure to read you’re articles ❤️.
Yes, yes, to be loved is to be known, and to know is to be curious. How will you know they like pancakes if you never ask about their childhood and how will you know they adore Toothless and Hiccup?
But you wonder what you would do with all that information if you met an unfortunate end. Remembering, stronger than lover's love is lover's hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make. I guess to feel deeply is to carry the weight of a devastating end while hoping it never comes.
toothless i know, but who is hiccup?
(asking you instead of googling myself is a form of love - too)
i have definitely faced the terrors you have spoken of, but i also think the joy is worth the trade-off. i am okay crying, knowing that i laughed first.
Oof that last line is something to ponder over
Hehehe (definitely a form of love) that’s Toothless rider. Yh, the memories will always carry you.
Treasure!!!! Oh my. I agree that a lot of us are lonely because we don't feel close enough to the friends that we already have, especially if they're relatively new (like college friends as opposed to childhood or high school friends). I've always gauged how much a person liked me, romantic or otherwise, by how curious they were about my life and person. It is such a life hack. And I do believe that the vacuum a lot of us are feeling, that cavernous emptiness in our chest, that yearning for camaraderie and togetherness , can only be filled if we allow ourselves be completely curious and vulnerable to the people we love. Only then can we unlock the intimacy we so desperately desire. Thank you writing this. It was...sublime, as always. p.s: I also really loved watching "The Trunk"!
I love hearing your thoughts on things, always. Thank you so much for reading, Blessing! Need to finish the show, tbh. I haven't watched it in a couple of days.
I like to talk. Maybe too much but I will always create conversation with my friends about the most trivial things. Not because I have nothing else to do but because I am curious as to why they are who they are. It always baffles me when people say they can’t have certain conversations with their close friends because they are scared of being judged or questioned for their decisions.
My friends are the only people I want to be judged by, they are the people I want to be able to call me to order when I do something out of character and if we don’t talk about these things, how will they know to call me back when I stray?
And this isn’t one sided, talking to my friends and listening to them tell me things is one of my favorite pastimes. I have a lot to say about the state of friendships rn because I can never understand some things. If you leave me, I’ll write an entire essay in your comment section 😂
i love this comment so much, tosin. especially the second paragraph. yes, judge me! tell me what i need to hear. be my jury. that's why this space is for you.
i think i can never get tired of speaking about friendship and what it means to me, so i can definitely relate!
Blown away.
This are the two words I can muster after reading this. The accuracy and the wisdom in this.
You got me with cool people line because it's so true.
I remember when I went home last year was coming back from the church with the family, we stopped at the market. Then a man was passing with his bike. He greeted a woman who was walking with her daughter, and the woman asks why his wife wasn't on the bike with him. He replies but then I thought "what was her business" which the woman's daughter did well to voice out.
My mum thought the daughter was rude but I mentioned my support. All she could say was "Your generation, all of you are the same".
Your piece made me remember that and think maybe we aren't minding our business. Maybe we aren't showing concern and that's a terrible thing.
Yeah, I think we find it hard, drawing a balance between being polite, and not caring at all. We can learn, but it would require more exhibition of consciousness. Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
Your work encapsulates the frustrations I have been feeling towards my friendships. I wouldn’t say that people have been apathetic per se, but I think there has been complacency in modern friendships. From what I’ve observed in my own friendships, once you have implied/mutually agreed on that you are friends, the getting to know phase feels like it has ended, and the honeymoon-like curiosity expressed diminishes. This is not to say that you have to talk to them everyday, but the thought of them wondering how I am is enough to make my heart swell—and many fail to appreciate and engage in that action.
I also believe that there is an appropriate time and place, and there are some questions that are better reserved for another time. Personally, I assume that when people ask more private questions, they mean it without malice, so I have no problem with simply saying, “I don’t want to talk about it now. I’ll tell you about it someday.” The conversation is redirected without either party feeling too awkward about the question.
Maturity develops when you realise that you will need to learn how, with a sensitivity, to ask the hard questions and be gracious when you are “rejected”, meaning, your question is unwelcome at that moment. It’s a matter of trial and error, and I think many hesitate to simply try.
YES!
i find it very amusing because the problem you presented is allowed to be a very big deal in romantic relationships. we see visions of it in films and books, all the time. how the guy chases the girl until he gets her, and then it becomes business-casual which leads to the relationship deteriorating until there's a huge argument where it all comes to the light.
i don't think there are enough models of this problem in friendships. in movies, your friends are always meant to understand. you can be rude, and mean, and absent-minded, but in the last twenty minutes have a change of heart that leads to them accepting you back to join the table and grab a bite, or play again in the band, etc.
so in real life, when this kind of problem is presented, it sometimes feels foreign, and people shift the weight of the issue from foot to foot because they don't know what to do with it. they may accuse you of overthinking or might tease you for liking them too much. either way, it's not taken seriously enough.
my solution? befriending people who, like me, want to uphold the sanctitude of friendship. who believe it's just as important as romantic relationships, and are willing to keep the spark alive as often as possible. or at least to try.
i listened to this conversation by simon sinek and trevor noah and it explored the challenges of modern friendships in a very worthy manner [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNBxIhxHHxM]
also, i 100% agree with everything else said! can't dive in because my comment is getting too long, but thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts on this article. i enjoyed reading through.
I notice when I like a person, I ask them a bunch of questions. I’m quite inquisitive and sometimes it could be confused for intrusion. Lol maybe sometimes it is, don’t know really but I do agree that curiosity is a form of love
I do the same thing, like a thirsty child drinks water.
I can relate to the fear of asking the right or wrong questions. I've been interviewing some elderly members of the Church for a volunteering project and I noticed I held back in so many questions, not out of shyness but out of respect - I mean, these are priests and missionaries who aren't used to talk about themselves and might be quite reserved (and I'm far of being a professional interviewer) so I was very cautious. But when I watched some of the footage, even if I wasn't on screen, you could tell I was holding back, as if I was waiting for them to cross the distance between us.
At first I assumed I just wasn't good at interviewing, that some people just know "by nature" when to dig deep or are easier to open up to. But after some thought, I realized maybe it was me who refused to be vulnerable in front of them, asking from pure, unadulterated curiosity instead of trying to look experienced. The more I started opening up to them, even in my occasional clumsiness, I found so many precious, human moments in these conversations.
Even if these interviews are finite, I think they also qualify as human relationships, as they are filled with tenderness and vulnerability. Love can be shown even briefly, I guess.
Really enjoyed reading your essay, Treasure!
I love this so much, Ana! It goes to prove that we are mirrors and the openness and love we give out would usually come back to us. A wonderful case study. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
The number of 'this is so true' that I said while reading this ehn. 😅
For me, curiousity is a solid marker of love and affection for me. One of the first signs of my interest in or developing affection for someone is my curiosity about them. I want to know what makes you you, where you're coming from, what makes you tick, what brings the sparkle to your eyes, all of it. And naturally, showing me yours makes me want to show you mine. I don't regard myself as close to people that I don't know much about no matter how long I've known them.
However, sometimes, out of consideration and respect, I take a step back when it feels like I might be intruding. Then I feel like there's some distance between us, but being me, I still address it with them and close that distance. I guess it's all about striking a balance, being close but still leaving them enough space to be and breathe. But I'll always wear my heart on my sleeves for the people I love (and they better put theirs on for me as well). For me, there's no other way to love.
I really should get to watching The Trunk especially because Seo Hyun Jin is a faveeee. Also, I would not be starting WTPR until all the episodes are out (I don't want to deal with all that waiting). End of the year glory? I beg to differ, please 😅. I think that many good dramas were released this year.
Okay, I should stop here. It's always good to read from you. Thank you.
Striking a balance is exactly what it is - relationships are oftentimes like a dance. A sway of some sorts. If you're the only one twirling, without getting caught then you will get dizzy and that's not good.
I love Seo Hyun Jin too. I think this is my first time seeing her act but I am completely enthralled. What other dramas did you like from this year? I'm serious, these are the only two I remember liking.
Thank you for reading!
This is a bit late, but,here goes nothing. I loved Death's Game (dark theme, but essential, especially for Koreans, who live in a society where suicide is regarded as the very first solution to a lot of problems that time can solve. Also, a masterclass in storytelling and plotting), Lovely Runner had the right amount of cuteness and sweetness without any of the cringe that usually accompanies them, My Dearest (2023 drama, but I saw it in 2024) was so good (but it might not be for you if you don't like period pieces. Even if you don't, I think you should still give it a try), Marry My Husband (if you like drama that's really dramatic - revenge, time travel, romance - I enjoyed it as well), Mr Plankton came at the end of the year, but I liked it. The entire show was a big ball of comedy rolling down a tragic hill (in a way, it reminded me of A Man Called Ove because the protagonist's death - as much as I loved him - didn't exactly cause me pain, just made me think 'Oh well, he's onto the next adventure' I laughed a lot and I think you will, too)...Okay, I should stop here. Those are the ones I remember off the top of my head. Bonus Seo Hyun Jin drama (The Beauty Inside, 2018 drama, but I like it). Happy new year, Treasure.
Treasure, you are amazing!
I look forward to your newsletters and they always come like a warm coat on a rainy day-- they envelop me with warmth.
You liked "The Trunk" too, I screamed when I saw that you liked it too.
Thank you for this occasional Manna you fill me up with. I enjoy reading from you.
Loads of love,
Cee.
cynthia, you're very welcome. thank you so much for reading! the trunk is spectacular. i like how intentionally it presents relationships as a space to heal, and become better versions of ourselves. what a love, what a life.
this is so beautiful! i absolutely loved it and will definitely be asking more questions to my loved ones
I haven't seen Wicked either
Curiosity, when applied in the context of loving someone, is the desire to know them more deeply and intimately. To know is to love, to ask is to know, and to ask is an act of curiosity. A yearning for more fragments of your favorite stained glass, each shard catching the light in a way only love can see.
Ugh seeing this makes me want to visit the beach 🥹.
This is so good👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽